Hopefully this will help someone else connect even though the realm list isn't functioning correctly. Although I still need to figure out what I messed up to cause the problem with the realm list in the first place!
I know this may be fairly basic for all of you programming your own severs.But I thought I'd share my little bit (twocents) of knowledge with any struggling noobs like me since I couldn't really find the answer anywhere else.
The short - This does not fix the issue that causes data not to update the realm list...but it does allow you to connect to the desired server (if it's otherwise configured correctly) by bypassing the realm list altogether.
Edit the config.wtf file in your WoW folder. Put your mangos server name in between the quotes after: SET realmName
If you've played on other servers there may already be another name there you'll have to delete.
For example: Mine use to say SET realmName "Blackhand" and now says SET realmName "MaNgOs"
For me, in Vista the file is under C:\users\public\games\world of warcraft\wtf\
Otherwise in XP/Win 7 it should be in a similar path structure in your default programs folder.
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The long - I had pretty good luck initally getting my mangos server up and running on my local network, after learning much on this board. Even getting my D-link router to allow connections, which I can see has caused many people issues. So when suddenly the last couple of days I tried connecting on my laptop and I could log in but my realm list was empty I was extremely frustrated.
I hadn't changed any settings on the server, db, or router, but looking at the realmd.exe messages after the laptop would try to connect and get a blank realm list, there were "updating realm list..." messages over and over. I had two wired PCs that could connect just fine.
So the fix came about when I mistakenly hit change realm on one of my wired PCs and realized the empty realm list was happening there too. The difference was that the default realm had already been determined so when relogging it went straight to the right realm.
So I did the above to set the default realm on the troubled laptop and presto into my character list I went.