Fine I'll revise mine.
T'was a blustery winter's eve o'er the hellspawn township when I, King of Lag, along with a comrade, Flying Piggy, found that violating the local women's innocence verily diminish the fervor of our exploits, but never extinguish its flame. We arrived in the hamlet as the sons of a dameon spawn whipped his flaming steed. His chariot past the horizon, his cackle rising above the sunset.. Fortuitously, a munificent maiden offered us additional sauce. Noting that we wore the unmistakable mark of the beast, she implored us to pillage her (In anticipation of our coming). We happily obliged. We chortled merrily as we fed magical disci to the black brick minstrel--a strange device of yonder years. We guzzled the bubbling spirits from emerald flagons, complimenting the effervescent libations with the most velvety roe in all the land. The exultant melody Tenacious D inspired us to fill the cravasse with our mighty juice. It was then at the climax when Flying Piggy looked to me and said "Your name is too long, lets just call you lag."