How to Become a Videogame Jerk in 10 E-Z Steps

**Conflag** · 12-04-2007

Firstly, I'd like to say I did NOT write this, I am not claiming credit, in any way, I don't know who wrote this (Found it in Notepad) but its not mine, anyway, Enjoy!

How to Become a Videogame Jerk in 10 E-Z Steps

10. Make all your sentences as unintelligible as possible. Using numbers instead of real letters is a great way to get people to go “what the hell” when reading things you type, also misspell and/or make up every word for added effect.

Ex. H3y j00 I is t3h pwnz00rz of ur f43c.

9. When using voice chat on X-Box Live or on the computer be sure to use voice altering equipment, because yelling over team speak, sounding like a constipated robot is like %%##%# someone’s ears with a rusty fork.

8. If you are playing a game against another player be sure to bring their mother into the conversation whenever possible.

Ex. Friendly Gamer: “Oh wow, good shot man.”
Gaming Jerk: “Yeah, that’s what your mom said.”

7. Master the art of “corpse humping.” Pressing the crouch button repeatedly while standing over the body of a dead player makes it appear as though you are humping his corpse. This method is an excellent way to show that player that he is now your property to do with as you wish.

6. Do not be afraid to team kill. Did somebody on your team insult you in a real or imagined manner? Well put the gun to his head and show him who wears the big boy pants in this game.

5. When typing, abbreviate EVERYTHING. You don’t have time for whole words, after all there are noobs to pwn, so whenever possible shorten everything into a handy Acronym.

Ex. Friendly Gamer: “Hey watch the football game last night?”
Gaming Jerk: “Hellz yeah, I was all like ‘LOLZOMGROFLMAOWTFGGBBQ’ and @#!*.”

4. Smack talk. Demeaning your opponent is a very important part of the game and is critical to a good Gaming Jerk’s strategy of psychological warfare.

Ex. Friendly Gamer: “Aw man, ya got me.”
Gaming Jerk: “Oh, wow, u suck. I mean I’ve seen some bad players, but you my friend should just kill urself cause there is no way you can be this bad and succeed in life.”

3. Be sure to cry foul when you start doing bad. You are the best player to ever play the game and anyone who does better is obviously a cheating hax0r.

Ex. *Friendly Gamer kills Gaming Jerk*
Gaming Jerk: “OMG WTF WAS THAT! YOU CHEATER OMG I’M GOING TO GET YOU BANNED IT’S HAXORZ LIKE YOU THAT RUIN THIS GAME!!1!!”

2. This brings me to my next point. Use Caps whenever possible. The more capital letters in your typing the 1337er you are.

Ex. Friendly Gamer: “Hi Gaming Jerk.”
Gaming Jerk: “HEY EVRY1 WHO’S READY 4 PWNAGE?”

1. This is probably the most important. Blame every shortcoming you may have on the lag of the server. This will show the others that if they beat you it’s not because of their skill at the game, it’s because you can barely move do to a bad internet connection, and be sure to let everyone know it.

Ex. Friendly Gamer: “Ha ha! Headshot!”
Gaming Jerk: “Oh, bull@#!*! My computer’s getting such crazy lag right now I can’t even move so screw you, buttmunch!”

Follow these simple steps and you will be well on your way to being hated and despised by all who play with you.

-gl<good luck (see step 5)>,