[BOOK] [Ban Hammer]'s Total Works. READ IT!

[[Ban Hammer]]

[imgl]http://i44.tinypic.com/5y67bt.jpg[/imgl]





Hey guys, decided to make this kind of e-book with my funny stories so that you will have all my works in 1 book. Will ofcourse update it whenever it’s needed and when I make a new story.
Btw, I wont be held responsible for spasms due to laughing too much, or anything like that. Actually, I wont be hold responsible for anything.
Anyway, HERE IT GOES!
Story number one:
How I BY ACCIDENT made out with a rescue doll:
Well, it was back in my young days when i learned Ozzy Osbourne how to score(another story in the general chat) and much much more. It was at a beach house party after i helped them with ideas to the baywatch episode. By the way, it was actually my idea to make Pamella Anderson's boobs that large! But back to the story.

There was this huge party once a year, with over 200 guests and booze to everyone. I was ofcourse invited and was on the VIP list. The party was all fine and the hours just past like a minute.

After a few hours and WAY too many drinks, i saw this hot shy chick standing in a corner. I was like "Hell, i'm gonna score her tonight!" and went over at her. My first line to her was "Hey you, are you a christ? Because i have a big church in my pants that wants to come out!"

She was all silent.. I tried again with one of my scorelines "Oh, so you're not a christ? Well, me neither. But anyhow, are you hungry? Because i got a family size hotdog between my two legs!"

Still deadly silence.. I was all frustrated and thought "Maybe she's deaf?" I was trying to make signs to her with my hands, but nothing worked. I was obsessed about getting laid with her tonight and i just grabbed her and took her gently into a friend of mines bedroom. I started undressing her and myself because she seemed to be quite passive..

I started kissing her, and she tasted like wood. It was very wierd, but i thought that perhaps she just ate tree sometimes. I then gave her the whole package but she didnt moan or anything so i was like "Omg, don't you like the famous FBM package!? I'm gonna give you the luxury one!" I spent like 3 or 4 hours on her with different positions and stuff before i fell asleep of pure exhaustion.

The next day i woke up, and found myself next to a rescue doll made of tree. It all started to make sence, why she didnt said anything, or moan and stuff like that. I was shocked tbh, but at the other side i was quite horny so i just gave her the whole package again.

All of a sudden a lifeguard came in, looking for this rescue doll and saw me "humping" it. She was like "WTF ARE YOU DOING? YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO **** THE EQUIPMENT!" and stupid as i were i just answered "Ehm, i was just showing her my church..." She got even more angry and i left in a hurry.

END OF STORY!

Wasnt that great? Well, time to story number 2:
How Ozzy Osbourne(The real one)
became my fan.

So, back in the good old days i was well known around the world as abit of a player tbh. (I retired now due to the fact that my ***** actually only is 4 inches long)

Well, anyhow - i was known as abit of a player and i actually toured around europe just to have sex. Suddenly a day a unknown guy called Ozzy Osbourne came to me and asked "Hey dude, i know i'm just a guy who wants to be a famous rockstar some day because i heard you get alot of sex from it, but can you teach me how you do?" I said "Sure, but i will have to charge you, and it's hell expensive." He asked "How much?" and i said "20 bucks." He payed and i became his teacher. At first i wanted to see how he would score a girl so i asked him to go to a girl and get her with him home, then i started my stopwatch to see how fast he did it.

He got over to a girl and said "Hey you, my name is Ozzy, what's yours?" the girl turned around and said "Hey, my name is Elizabeth." He was like "Oh, it's the same as my mom's name! Well anyhow, would you like to come to my apartment for secure sex?" She started screaming stuff like "You're disgusting" and "Go home and build some lego or collect mushrooms your nerd!" and the mission had failed.

I was shocked, i've never seen such great a nerd before like Ozzy. He really needed a life for sure. I told him a few tricks that could help him to score. Like imagining that the girl was just a pokemon that was sad, so that he needed to cheer it up by complimenting it. (Always works for me atleast).

After months of training him hard and telling him which pokemons was hot and stuff that teachers do, he was ready for another test. He found a girl and the conversation began.

He walked slowly and steady, he was focused on imagining that the girl was a pokemon. When he came over to her at her table(we were in a bar) he said "Hey, you look lonely. My name is ash ketchup, oh i mean.. My name is Ozzy Osbourne." She answered "Hey there, my name is ashley, yeah. I just got burned off. So i'm quite lonely, wanna come sit at my table?" He was like "Oh yes indeed, btw. I have some quite big pokeballs in my pants, wanna go to my place and see them?" and he succeed.

The next day he thanked me and gave me another 5 bucks for being a great teacher. After a few years he became a famous rockstar and the day today, everytime he is in town, i come visitting him to see how its going with the girls.

END OF STORY!

That one was a classic! Well, lets head on to number three.
How MMOwned was born, and the
chosen one was found.

Once upon a time long ago (2006) a guy named Matt came up with an idea. He wanted to make a famous site filled with exploits, hacks, guides and other things!

This idea came across him suddenly, while he were asleep. He saw this burning bush in his dreams. It said to him "I am moses, i ken be a flaming bush cuz im kool! But anyway, you gotta save the jews from the egypt chaos! They are having my people as slaves! You gotta do that by making a website and find the chosen one!"

This was a big step for Matt, he was like "Moses! I can't! I'm just a silly boy that needs to get laid more often..."

And moses answer to that was simply "Matt, i feel the same way! But find the chosen one. NAO!"

And Matt woke up. Now he needed to make a website, since he was a wow addict he choosed to make a World of Warcraft site. He spent months doing this with no breaks, and finally MMOwned came to live. Matt was like "It's alive! It's alive! I've created this! Muhahahahaha.." but MMOwned wasnt very well known back then, and he had to advertise for it.

So the first thing he did was going down to a local bar, bought a soda(He wasnt old enough to buy a beer) and started dancing like John Travolta. He quickly got the attention of a girl who came closer to him, and she was willing indeed. She asked him if he was up for the bad stuff in his apartment. To that he answered "Oh yeah sure, and then you could register at my new cool world of warcraft site!" and suddenly, she was gone.

Matt needed to try something else. So he called his friend KuRIoS. "BIP.. BIP.. BIP..
KuR: Hello, KuR here.
Matt: Hey! Its Matt, you remember me? From the programming geek class!
KuR: Ah yeah, how can i help you dude?
Matt: Well, i'm starting up a world of warcraft site to find the chosen one!
KuR: Ehm.. You sure that you didnt saw too much matrix again?..
Matt: I swear i didnt! It's gonna be cool, you can be an admin if you would like to!
KuR: NICE! Always dreamed about that, sure, count me in.
Matt: By the way, i almost got laid yesterday. I bet noone in the programming class can beat that!
KuR: Are you kidding me? Omg congratulations!
Matt: Thanks, bye.
KuR: Bye.

Now Matt had finally gotten his first admin. But he still needed to find the chosen one. Matt and KuR worked hard to get MMOwned up and running, day after day after day.

The site grew stronger, members joined in everyday and it seemed to have bright future.

One day, a guy named Federal Bureau of Moo joined the site. He started off by leeching, but after a while he realised that he wanted to give something back to the community. He donated, and started writing guides. One day, he got access to the hawtbawx. That was when KuRIoS realised that Federal Bureau of Moo would be a threat against him as the big admin. He drank a few beers to get ready for the challenge, and then he wrote in the hawtbawx "FBM! I dont like your name, its stretching my hawtbawx! Get a namechange nao!" and FBM was like "Well, well, well. Seems like there aint space for the both of us in the hawtbawx.. Lets take this outside, right now! Pick your weapon!" KuRIoS was close shitting his pants of pure fear. He said "Very well, i pick my leet admin powers and give you a namechange!" FBM didnt expect that and yelled "NOOOOO..." He suddenly got the name.. [Ban Hammer]. BH was furious about it and wanted a revenge, He charged the hawtbawx while KuRIoS was yelling "YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!".

BH was about to give KuR a keylogger to shut down his internet which (ofcourse) was the worst case scenario that could happen to KuR. He sent the keylogger and KuR accepted it because the headline was "Free asian unicorn pron".

BH was satisfied, about to shut down KuR's net when something he didnt expect happened. KuR had Norton Virusscan 2008! NO! KuR sent the keylogger right back and was about to shut down my net when he said "BH.. (Funny noices) I am your father!" BH didnt know he was adopted then and went like "That can't be true! I know my dad! Noooo..." and his net was gone. He called a technician who got out and fixed it, and then charged a 20$ bill. BH was even more furious. He was about to send that 20$ bill right to KuR's home when Matt stopped him.

He said:"[Ban Hammer], you are the chosen one. I finally found you. Moses gave me a sign."

BH was like: "Lol, i dont belive in moses." But Matt was sure that BH was the chosen one. "You should give life to the MMOwned community, without you, we're nothing." And BH was like "Yeah right.. Brb gotta pee!"

When he came back he took the challenge and gave birth to all the MMOwned admins to be his personal army. Then he dis*****d as a contributor so that he could lurk around and find the evil infiltrators who wanted to destroy MMOwned.

HAPPY ENDING!

And last story now!
WoW, getting laid and ADDICTION.

Okay, here's another story for you since i'm bored lol ^_^.

2 days ago i met this really hot girl called Lucy. I met her while i was on a vacation at a bar in the romantic place of rome. I was about to travel home since my vacation was almost over, and it was my last night in town.

We really had a chemistry going on and i was like "Hell, another flirt won't hurt me." so i kept flirting. After a few hours and WAY too many drinks, we decided to go home to my place.

My place was a basement with a bed, a computer with wow(ofcourse) and pretty much nothing else. My computer are always turned on and i see that i had a message from MSN once we got back home. I checked it and it said "Dude, get on wow quick! The wildest polearm just dropped from a boss in ZF! You gotta get in and roll for it!" I was like "Omg, what do i do? It's a polearm!" I decided that i had to multitask. I started kissing and rubbing her, she was all crazy and kept moaning. I desperately tried to get her turned on while i logged into wow.

She kept going like "Dude, do it quicker! It feels so good!" and i was thinking "Yeah right, i'm gonna cum too if i get that polearm baby!"

I kept rubbing her different places while i got summoned to ZF. When i got inside the polearm was about to be rolled for. I had my macro with /roll ready and started praying. I pushed it and saw the roll, 96! I was about to cum of pure happiness and i started rubbing my girl quicker.

Suddenly a hunter rolls 97 and states that it's better than his 2 one-handed swords. I froze. My heart beated still and i was about to cry. Now lucy started saying "Dude, you're not doing it quick enough! Do it quicker!" and i lost my temper. "OMG BITCH! I JUST LOST A POLEARM IN ZF TO A ****ING HUNTER! SHOW SOME RESPECT! I'M TIRED OF GIRLS LIKE YOU WHO JUST WANTS QUICK SEX WHILE I'M ****ING RAIDING HERE!"

A second later i felt a big SMASH and i got knockouted. The next three days i moaned about my loss of that polearm since it was just hot.


END OF STORY!


Fifth story:


How KuRIoS got drunk for the first time.


Well yeah, when i was still young back in the good old 06'ers i was at a party with KuRIoS (I don't know if you know him really, but anyway) It was before he became an admin on MMOwned. We went to this party in Copenhagen and (ofcourse) KuR had prepared himself at home, he came with a backpack, some lunch, and a soda because he didnt know if booze was something that he liked.

We arrived, showed our ID (At first KuR tried to show the doorman an ID that he had been drawing in paint, but after the doorman giving him a black eye he showed his real one). and went in.

There were everything that a party needed, booze, girls, and a PS2 incase you were a nerd. I couldnt like, let myself free because i should teach KuRIoS how to score so i kinda just watched the girls while KuRIoS pulled out some toy from his pocket and started building a house made of lego blocks.

I was like "WTF ARE YOU DOING KID?" and stomped on his lego blocks. He stood up and asked stupidly "What am i gonna do then?" I was like "We're at a bar dumbass! SCORE GIRLS!"

I started teaching him my trick with imagining they were pokemons and that you had to make them happy. He was all like "I like pikachu.. I like pikachu.. I like pikachu.." and i was like "STFU ABOUT YOUR PIKACHU OR I WILL CUT OFF YOUR 2 POKEBALLS!"

He now started looking very nervous and i choosed a girl for him to score, she was an easy target. Ugly, fat, the right one for KuRIoS. He went over at her and started with the sentence "Hey.. You look v-v-very" and then he suddenly got all scared, and ran away like a screaming girl with the words "IT'S A ****ING MAN! ARRRGHH!" I giggled like never before, best prank i ever made. Well, i realised it was time to get both me and him something to drink and went to the bar, i made him pay 4 of the most expensive drinks, i drank 3 and gave him 1.

5 seconds after he was all drunk and was pulling down his pants saying "Look BH! I got 3 pokeballs between my legs, eheheh..." I slapped him and told him to score a actually good looking girl, he was up for the challenge and went over.

He said "Hey, you look kinda hot. What's your name?" The girl turned around and answered "Hey, I'm Matt! Admin on MMOwned, and ehm.. I'm not a girl.." KuRIoS was like "Hehe, i dont mind really, may i be an Admin too?" Matt answered "Yeah sure, we need those! Wanna make out?" KuRIoS answered "Yeah sure, lets go to my room."

And i havent seen him since. He even own me 20$ for telling him the pokemon score trick.


END OF STORY!

How 2d wanted to get rid’ of my stories.

Here the other day something increadibly shocking happened. I was chilling in the bawx as always when suddenly 2d came into the bawx. He did start by saying “BAN” like he always does so I knew something was wrong. He actually started off by saying “Ban Hammer, your stories fills the general chat. If you don’t put them into a single story I will have to delete them.

I was in shock, I said “2d, touch your pokeballs and count to 10. That usually helps me whenever I’m confused.” He just replied “Ehm, I tried to put down my hands where you said, to touch my pokeballs. But I can’t feel them.” I was like “Wtf? What happened?” To that he replied “I was born without them.”
Even more shock. I was like “Thank god he is an admin, otherwise life would have sucked big time for him!” Well, I decided to take 2d’s advice and created a thread for my story. Suddenly Viter came with a reply like “DUDE, You should make an eBook!” and I was like “An eBook?” and he was like “Yeah…” and then I made an eBook! Well anyhow, after I made my ebook, 2d became more and more like “I’M POSTING STUFF IN DA LEGENDARY SECTION LOLOLOL” and at that moment I knew it, he was gonna steal my books and post them in the legendary section to get credit for them.


I wouldn’t let that happen so I sent in a spy there, Obama. Obama was like, the perfect spy. Cute, high-repped and portable in a little box in case you had to travel. I sent him into the legendary section to spy and report back. He didn’t report for days, and suddenly I got a private message saying “If you want to see your precious Obama again, stop spying.” Signed 2d.

I didn’t even react, I stormed into the legendary section and I saw KuR, Matt, HeRoG, Ket, 2d, Kuiren, Dragonshadow, merfed and a few others ganging up. They were so many, and all with admin powers. I was shocked until I saw Obama sitting in a corner, he was banned.

I wanted revenge. I pulled up my leather thong to get the taste of leather in my butt. And then I ran to Obama to get him unbanned. HeRoG was running after me but I knew how to get him paralyzed. I simply said “HeRoG.. Your gold is too expensive, I know a MUCH cheaper site.” And he was in shock. I kept running towards Obama to free him, Dragonshadow also ran to me, prepared to cast his ban-spell but I was too quick. I jumped up and he hitted merfed with it. Then I showed him my avatar and he just drooled because he haven’t seen a hot girl with almost no clothes on before.
Now the admins and HeRoG was out of the game and I have freed Obama. 2v5 seemed unfair but I still had a few tricks in my pocket. I yelled “2d got no pokeballs! He was born without! HAHAHAHA” 2d blushed and ran away crying. Suddenly Obama stood up, challenging them and used his “IMA PRESIDENT” spell on Ket. It was kinda amazing what happened, Ket started flashing hairy male boobs and and Kuiren, Matt and KuR had to look away. That was all the time I needed, I screamed “Kuiren likes Barbie girl! IMA BARBIE GIRL!” and Kuiren was like “No I don’t, it’s powerpuf girls! Ops..” He ran the same way as 2d, crying aswell.

But the 2 strongest admins were still back, and I were out of ideas. Suddenly Obama said “KuR! [Ban Hammer]’s avatar has bigger boobs than yours!” and that seemed to be enough. KuR screamed like a girl and sat in a corner sucking his thumb.
Now we were 2v1 and since Matt was just a harmless nerd we kicked his ass! Then we ran out of the legendary section and a romantic moment happened.
Obama watched me with loveful eyes and said “[Ban Hammer], will you mary me?” I was like “Dude, perhaps I’m a nerd. But I aint gay.” And he was like “Oh.. Sorry..” and we lived happy to the end of ours lives!

THE END! (Will upload this to rapidshare after the summer vacation). and this aint to harm anyone, just wanted to show you all how much i love you lol <3


A normal day with me.

It was a cold night long long time ago(Around 50 minutes ago when i walked home). I was thinking some really dirty thoughts. I was thinking that when I got home I would undress myself, take some butter and some oil, light up a candle, call my girlfriend to say that I couldn’t go to the movies with her and then go into my room and play with some lego! Just oil all my lego up and then build a big house and imagine that there would be a hot girl in that lego house who needed a real nerd to help her getting her computer fixed. That would be great.
Suddenly out of nothing my door bell ringed. I was furious! Nobody should ever stop me when I’m playing with my lego. Well, I wen’t out there and opened the door and saw some kids standing outside in costumes laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing of until I realised that I was still naked and had a boner on thinking of all that lego that was waiting for me inside the room.
I tried playing cool saying something like “Ehm, what’s up?” and they laughed even more. I was starting getting desperate and asked what they wanted. They said that it was Halloween and that they wanted some candy. I said that I had nothing and suddenly one of the kids yelled “That’s the tinyest wiener I have ever seen!” I was like, have she ever seen one? She’s like 8. I yelled back at her “This anaconda between my legs is a real killer! Your dad has a tiny wiener compared to this pulsing greek piece of wood!” Now it all suddenly changed, they were screaming and yelling that I were a pedofile and running away. I closed the door behind me and went into my lego. After around 30 minutes of playing with lego the door bell ringed once again. I went out with pants on this time and opened the door. What I saw was a 150 kilo pure muscled bully with his small daughter in the hand. He told me that she came home screaming that there was a guy longer up the street who said that he had a tiny wiener and that his anaconda was a killer.
I was trying defending myself with “Ehh.. I was just joking pal. You know, flashing your anaconda in front of 8 year olds are all fun, you should try it yourself. I’m sure your daughter wouldn’t say that you have a tiny wiener then. He took his left fist and punched me.
After a few hours I woke up, and my crunch and head hurted a lot. He had been kicking me in the nuts so many times that they had swulmed into double size. It hurted but I was happy, never had I seen someone with such a big ***** before. I got up and ran down in the nerd-club to show it to everyone.

THE END!

MORE TO COME!

Please give feedback and ideas to new stories to put in this book. Thank you! Give it from 1-10 and write what could be better etc, also if you got an idea, just post it

PDF file: you can download it if you'd like from there: RapidShare: Easy Filehosting

Say whenever i have to re-upload it, only 10 downloads! Will reupload it by then.

[yrref]

I like all of your stories. I read them yesterday, and I think they are great. No improvements to be made from my part.

[[Ban Hammer]]

I like all of your stories. I read them yesterday, and I think they are great. No improvements to be made from my part.

Really glad that you like And btw, made a new one today - it's the first one "How i BY ACCIDENT made out with a rescue doll."

[yrref]

Really glad that you like And btw, made a new one today - it's the first one "How i BY ACCIDENT made out with a rescue doll."

Yes I read it, didn't respond to it though. I think it's awesome^^

[[Ban Hammer]]

Yes I read it, didn't respond to it though. I think it's awesome^^

Really glad you like it ^_^

[[Ban Hammer]]

Updated with fifth story!

[jeroen429]

Cant say you got humor though.

[[Ban Hammer]]

Cant say you got humor though.

Lol dude, you're all about flaming me huh? Maybe i don't got your kind of humor but people finds it funny. Do you mind going home now? Troll...

[rawflstomp]

I'M FOLLOWING YOU BANHAMMR O.O!!! XD funny lol funny +grats on 200 rep

[[Ban Hammer]]

I'M FOLLOWING YOU BANHAMMR O.O!!! XD funny lol funny +grats on 200 rep

ARGH! GET AWAI! lol, thanks alot mate <3 you

[Da Hitman]

Ban Hammer this is the best stories i have ever read you got good humor lol :P i liked the " WoW, getting laid and ADDICTION." best :P +Rep for making me laugh so badly xD great hope u make more ^^

EDIT: Gotta spread

[[Ban Hammer]]

Ban Hammer this is the best stories i have ever read you got good humor lol :P i liked the " WoW, getting laid and ADDICTION." best :P +Rep for making me laugh so badly xD great hope u make more ^^

EDIT: Gotta spread

Haha, glad you like them I gotta go traveling tommorow, but when i come back i will have a whole bunch of stories, and if i'm not gonna - i try to make ATLEAST one each week

and btw, just give me rep whenever you spread, no hurry ^_^

<3 you

[Viter]

Seriously make it a PDF file and include cover etc like a real ebook

[[Ban Hammer]]

Seriously make it a PDF file and include cover etc like a real ebook

Well, i'm a retard in doing stuff like that, but i'm up to the challenge and will try doing it But just have to get home from vacation first, so might take some time

[Erase]

Good stories mate Pretty funneh. A cookie for you.