Ok.. So this has absolutely nothing to do with a game, WOW, the site, or anything. But this is General, so I thought i'd share. I'm sure some of you have read this before, but i'm sure some of you haven't as well. I saw this e-mail a couple years ago, and just thought about it again, and have tears in my eyes laughing my ass off again.. So here you go!
This is a real story, submitted by the guy, Earl, to the customer service division of the brand of Taser he bought his wife...
( ONLY A GUY WOULD TRY THIS!!!!!!!)
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket TAZER for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop ,I was looking for a little something for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,00-Volt pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home, I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, read) that if i pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave) Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. she is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head tilted to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @#@&&*!!!&&xx!
I'm pretty sure Stone Cold Steve Austin ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and a tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer, THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND burst when you zap yourself. You will NOT let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON OF A @#$^*!!*. that hurt like hell!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at the point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 #'s. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,