lol funny sayings.

[Krazzee]

this is a collection of 60 of the funniest sayings i've found. I hope you like them.



1.Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


2.House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.


3.The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.


4.Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.


5.It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.


6.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


7.War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.


8.Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


9.if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN


10.Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.


11.If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?


12.If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.


13.I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness


14.Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


15.The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?


16.When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.


17.A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...


18.You can't be late until you show up.


19.Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway


20.Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.


21.Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.


22.Answering Machine Saying: Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side r-e-a-l slow... So I’ll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth.


23.The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources


24.A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.


25.I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


26.My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?


27.Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.


28.I intend to live forever, or die trying.


29.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.


30.If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?


31.Actual Headline: Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use


32.books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke


33.As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.


34.A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


35.Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits"


36.Notice In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.


37.If you cannot convince them, confuse them.


38.To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target


39.Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your master.


40."Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic ***** and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989



41.Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.


42.Actual Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope


43.Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.


44.If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.


45.I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


46.Answering Machine Saying: "911 - What is your emergency?"


47.once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.


48.Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.


49.The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.


50.Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.


51.Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein


52."One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush


53.In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.


54.Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.


55.You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.


56.The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


57.I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!


58.Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.


59.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


60.War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce

[Tbone]

Oh yeah well here are some funny book titles...

The Yellow River
By: I.C.U.P.

Under the Bleachers
By: Seymore Buts

oh yeah +1 rep pretty funny

[Krazzee]

lol I.C.U.P. i remember that from kindergarten.

[Matt]

look down your shirt and spell ATTIC
pre-k jokes..
Funny stuffz. thanks for making me laugh

[Krazzee]

lol attic, i just did it, thats a good one.

[Lazyman234]

ahahaha you made me lol ty good read

[pwner]

We Demand more!(or just me) lol mkae it 100!

[tahoebyker]

alright another one from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy:
Where god went wrong(Shows femal sign)
Some more of gods mistakes(Shows male sign)
Who is this God person anyway(Shows Pope)

[warriorspwn]

this aint funny but its a very good quote

"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man how to fish, he eats for a lifetime."

[afiwarlord]

53.In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.

Thats from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. The book, i donno bout the movie.

[Amedis]

Thats from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. The book, i donno bout the movie.

Its in the movie aswell.

[Quake]

I dunno i still think Picle Weasle is funnier

[Ced]

i like em i use some of em as my msn nickname translated to dutch

[Quake]

43 is prty funny

[gbcjr]

lol, i love 16...
oh yeah, and:
"Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes, because then you're a mile away, and you have his shoes."

and +rep